Friday, April 01, 2011

The 2011 April Fools' Day Headline News Fresh from The Printing Presses Of La Politica 

  • US Rep. Martin Heinrich Saturday was making his formal entry into the race for the 2012 Democratic Senate nomination for the seat being vacated By Sen. Bingaman. The AP previewed the announcement and Heinrich was scheduled to put it up on his campaign website at 11 a.m.
Here they are--Our 2011 April Fools' Day top New Mexico political stories:

--Governor Susana Martinez has hired an illegal immigrant couple from Guadalajara to clean the Governor's Mansion. They will only be allowed to drive the lawn mower.

--The Governor was briefly taken hostage at her Santa Fe office by her political adviser Jay McCleskey and ABQ Public Safety Director Darren White. They released her only after she agreed to view the Manchurian Candidate three times. ABQ Mayor RJ Berry will also attend the viewings.

--A puppet show at the Capitol Rotunda had spectators laughing with delight. The show featured Rep. Steve Pearce manipulating a John Sanchez doll.

--ABQ Mayor RJ Berry has discovered a potion that makes him nearly invisible to the public and press. He plans on marketing it to help solve the city budget shortfall.

--All three ABQ TV weathermen were arrested by the FBI this week on charges of promoting terrorism. "They have scared the state shitless long enough," said the agent in charge.

--Heather Wilson denied today she is the illegitimate daughter of former US Senator Pete Domenici. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

--Breaking News: Attorney Sam Bregman, running for Dem Party chairman, says if elected he will defend for free all Democratic politicians charged with corruption. He said this will total $6 million in free legal services.

--Congressman Martin Heinrich announced he will take Spanish lessons, eat enchiladas for dinner for a month and sponsor a cock fight in Los Lunas if no Hispanic candidate challenges him for the US Senate nomination.

--The NM Oil and Gas Association released its annual report today, revealing its membership owns 1,218 oil wells, 843 natural gas sites, 11 state senators, 18 state representatives and one Governor.

--Congressman Ben Ray Lujan said that his father, House Speaker Ben Lujan, will not seek re-election in 2012. He later clarified the statement, saying, "Okay, maybe he is, but a guy can hope, can't he?"

--Congressman Steve Pearce has called for the elimination of the federal government. Reporters were fact-checking to see if that was an April Fool's joke or not.

--The ABQ Journal has been purchased by the New Mexico Republican Party. No major changes are planned and current GOP Chairman Monty Newman will remain as editor.

--Senator Tom Udall, freshly appointed to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, says he will conduct his first round of hearings in Hobbs and Roswell.

--Breaking News: NM Dem Party Chairman Javier Gonzales is alive, Brian Colon has moved to Texas and Diane Denish has become a mid-wife.

--Senator Jeff Bingaman, retiring next year, introduced a resolution to completely defund Los Alamos and Sandia Labs as well as all of the state's military bases. "It's how I have really felt all these years, but couldn't say it. Good riddance to you all!"

--First Gentleman Chuck Franco enjoyed his favorite past time of hunting in southern NM this week. He bagged three illegals with state driver's licenses and 486 pounds of baloney being smuggled across the border.

--State Senate Majority Leader Michael Sanchez is proposing a constitutional amendment to have northern New Mexico secede from the south. The measure was immediately endorsed by GOP Sen. "Lightning" Rod Adair. Sen Eric Griego introduced an amendment that would permit illegal immigrants to have driver's licenses in the new southern state.

--More breaking news: Governor Martinez has reduced her meeting schedule with state legislators from once every six months to once a year. However, she will stay play in the weekly poker game put on by Rep. Joe Cervantes and Hanna Skandera.

--State Auditor Hector Balderas announced today he is considering running for the US Senate, the US House, attorney general, governor, lieutenant governor, mayor of ABQ, president of the Santa Fe Kiwanis Club and leader of Boy Scout Troop #47 in Mora County.

--The nine ABQ city councilors were reported missing today. ABQ police say they have been on the case for more than a year.

--Darren White today climbed to the roof of ABQ City Hall, waved his arms in the air and exclaimed, "Top of the world, Ma!" He was talked down by Chief Ray Schultz who White then fired.

--More breaking news: Former GOP Guv candidate Allen Weh has successfully completed a 13 week anger management course, former Governor Gary Johnson has again been admitted to the Betty Ford Center and all Democrats in the state legislature are undergoing identity crisis therapy.

--Defying his critics, UNM President David Schmidly has hired the following individuals as executive vice-presidents at salaries of $250,000 each: his son, his wife, former Board of Regents Chairman Raymond Sanchez and APS Superintendent Winston Brooks. Schmidly also said he will a unveil new slogan for the university--"The Wal-Mart on the Rio Grande."

--Former Governor Bill Richardson visited rebels in Libya this week. He was accompanied by the Penthouse Pet of the Month. He introduced her by saying, "Boys, this is what you're fighting for." Richardson then made a visit to Paris where he visited investment adviser Marc Correa who donated $3 million to the ex-Guv's new charitable foundation.

This is the home of New Mexico politics. Thanks for stopping by this week and for making this New Mexico's #1 political website.

Reporting to you from Albuquerque, I'm Joe Monahan.

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