Wednesday, April 01, 2015

The Headlines Of La Politica For April 1, 2015 

We begin this April 1 with breaking news. . .

---Gov. Martinez and state Senate Majority Leader Michael Sanchez have just concluded a seven hour meeting at which they came to agreement on a wide range of issues, including driver's licenses for undocumented workers, third grade retention and a $245 million capital outlay bill.

The pair broke only for a few minutes to drive over to Panda Express for a quick lunch. "I had never really talked to Leader Sanchez before. How refreshing. He's quite the fella and look at all we got done," exclaimed the Governor. "She's really a heckuva of a gal," gushed Sanchez. I think this is the start of something big." Martinez and Sanchez scheduled a follow-up meeting to take place at the next showing of "Fifty Shades of Grey". . .

In other headlines:

---Lt. Gov. John Sanchez announces he will not seek the 2018 GOP gubernatorial nomination. "Why should I? Mayor Berry has me beat. The job he has done with the police department and attracting business to the city is simply too much for any campaign to overcome. He has my wholehearted support for the nomination," said Sanchez.

---KOB-TV anchorman Tim Joles shook things up this morning as he entered the station's newsroom and fired three shots from a .45 magnum pistol into the ceiling. "See that!" He yelled. "The next reporter who makes a typo gets the next round!" ABQ police used a stun gun to restrain Joles, but the station could offer no video of the incident as the officers' lapel cameras failed to function.

---NM House Speaker Don Tripp is now on the FBI's missing persons list. Tripp was last seen at the opening day of the recent legislative session, but has not been seen since. His family is asking that anyone with information to please call 505-243-NATE. Also on the the FBI's missing persons list is NM Democratic Party Chairman Sam Bregman.

---Mayor Berry and his Chief Administrative Officer Rob Perry have been awarded medals of valor by APD for jumping and bringing to the ground a video blogger who was in the midst of taping a disciplinary hearing for an APD officer. "This crazed blogger had the idea that this is the public's business. Thankfully we have leadership in this city that understands the very real danger this represents," declared APD Chief Eden. He handed out the award at a city council meeting at which all nine members gave hearty applause.

---With the full backing of Gov. Martinez, the ABQ School Board has named Martinez political adviser Jay McCleskey as the new superintendent of APS. The lone board member who opposed McCleskey complained to school police that after the meeting his car's license plate was missing, a dossier containing his failing grades from elementary school was posted on Facebook and his immediate family received four robo calls attacking his vote.

---Democratic US Senators Udall and Heinrich put out a record 83 news releases Tuesday. Udall explained: "So you think we're not relevant now that the Republicans control the Senate?  Think again. We own your email boxes, bitches." That statement put the senators record for daily news releases at 84.

---ABQ psychiatrists report several prominent officials are reporting a similar nightmare. In it the deceased attorney Mary Han is alive and holding a news conference at which she reveals who killed her and who covered it up. The psychiatrists are prescribing these patients passports and foreign bank accounts.

---Santa Fe police confirm that a hallucinogenic substance was placed in the water supply at the Roundhouse at the recent legislative session, They said there was no danger as it was the same substance that has been discovered in the water for the past 22 years.

---The owners of the Downs at Albuquerque Racetrack and Casino say they will throw a holiday party and invite anyone who is thinking about running for Governor in 2018. Invitations are being sent out in the form of a 48 year lease for the Downs. "All these folks have to do is sign on the dotted line, send it back in the prepaid postage and the party is all theirs," explained a Downs owner while enjoying an alligator hunting trip in Louisiana.

---In a switch of strategy, PNM has said it has a new corporate slogan: "All Coal All The Time." PNM's CEO explained: "You all know we love the black stuff. This is our white powder--if you know what I mean. Sure, we talk about withdrawal but can't you see me winking?"

---More news on the TV front. Weathermen Joe Diaz, Mark Ronchetti and Jorge Torres have been arrested by Federal authorities on terrorism charges. "For 16 straight days this winter this trio literally terrorized the state with their dire forecasts. They induced chills, fever and panic buying of frozen green chile. Never mind that they were wrong 95 percent of the time, they must be stopped," the Federal news release said. The weathermen pleaded innocent to the charges, disclosing that the forecasts were actually produced by car dealer Melloy Dodge in an effort to spike the ratings and sell more vehicles.

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