Thursday, April 01, 2010

The 2010 April Fools' Day Headlines Fresh From The Printing Presses Of La Politica 

Here they are: Our April Fools' Day headlines fresh from the printing presses of La Politica.

--Guv candidate Diane Denish, worried about securing Democratic votes in the Hispanic North, has decided to become a Catholic, divorce husband Herb and marry Congressman Ben Ray Lujan.

--GOP Guv contender Pete Domenici Jr., concerned that his famous name is not getting the job done, files for a name change. The new name? Gary Johnson.

--R Guv candidate Doug Turner sues Pete Domenici Jr. for having his name changed to Gary Johnson. "There's room for only one clone in this race," declares the ABQ businessman.

--Allen Weh, who has already pledged to take a "baseball bat" to Santa Fe, announces that his new campaign bus will be a Sherman tank.

--The ABQ Chamber of Commerce, a chief supporter of the failed food tax, will now push for a tax on cancer patients to balance the state budget. "How much money will they really need for the future?" asks the biz group.

--State Auditor Hector Balderas surprised the capitol with the announcement that the state's budget has been balanced. "I visited Manny Aragon in prison, and he told me where all the money was. Our problems are over!" Balderas told the AP.

--Declaring he "loves New Mexico too much to leave," Governor Richardson announced that he has turned down a firm offer to become head of the motion picture association at a salary of $14 million a year. Instead, Richardson will run for lieutenant governor. Brian Colon will be his campaign manager.

--PNM, citing the tough economic times, pledges to ask for only 16 electric rate increases in the coming year, rather than the usual 23.

--NM House Speaker Ben Lujan has written to the Vatican, asking that Governor Richardson be considered for sainthood. The letter was not signed by first lady Barbara Richardson.

--The ABQ Public Schools, reacting to severe budget problems, says it will close the entire system for a year. "We want to see if anyone notices," Superintendent Winston Brooks told reporters.

--The University of New Mexico joined APS in closing its doors for a year, with a notable exception. UNM athletics will continue. Department director Paul Krebs will be paid a salary of $8 million a year; basketball coach Alford will get $7 million. UNM President Schmidly will double his salary to over $1 million, but agrees to pay for weekly lunches with the school's soon-to-be laid off janitors.

--New ABQ Mayor RJ Berry has suddenly resigned. "If I knew how screwed up things were, I would never have run in the first place." He said. No city councilor would agree to succeed Berry. He was replaced by Public Safety Director Darren White who immediately placed the city under martial law.

--Congressman Martin Heinrich (D-NM) held a news conference to detail his major accomplishment in his first year in office. "I am pleased to announce that 48 percent of the voters now know how to pronounce my name. If re-elected, I pledge to get that number up to 65 percent." Delcared Heinrich.

--Under growing pressure to balance the budget, Big Bill has agreed to partially repeal the generous 2003 state personal income tax cuts. But Richardson is insisting that anyone who ever gave him a campaign contribution be exempted, and that only taxpayers with income over $600,000 a year pay any additional tax. The LFC estimates 14 taxpayers would be impacted.

--The ABQ Journal is still publishing, according to a statement from the newspaper. In other media news, KRQE-TV confirms that Dick Knipfing is still alive; KOB-TV says Tom Joles is not being preserved with formhaldehyde; the Santa Fe New Mexican is now the official Socialist Workers Party newsletter and TV reporter Stuart Dyson says just about all the 2010 candidates are "either gay, in the mob or on the take." He was quick to add: "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

--This just in: Allen Weh has quit the race for Governor after being told the chief executive does not have the power to organize firing squads.

--More breaking news: Budget cutting state Senator John Arthur Smith has announced his support for that Chamber of Commerce proposal to tax cancer patients to balance the state budget. However, Smith is calling for the tax to be extended to Alzheimer patients, who he says will agree to pay their tax more than once.

--The New Mexico State Police have issued an all points bulletin to locate the following individuals who have not been heard from for several years: Attorney General Gary King, State Treasurer James Lewis and State House Majority Leader Kenny Martinez. A reward is not being offered.

--Roswell State Senator Rod Adair and former state Rep. Dan Foley have divorced. The split was described as amicable. Adair was given custody of the faction of the NM Republican Party that caused its destruction.

--State Democratic Party Chairman Javier Gonzales...Who?

--The State Investment Council tells us the $13 billion in the state's permanent funds has been deposited in offshore banks in the Bahamas and will henceforth be administered by Bill Richardson's campaign manager with assistance from financial advisor Marc Correa. "That's pretty much been the policy the past couple of years. We just wanted to formalize it," said an office spokesman.

And there you have it, but this being New Mexico, we can't guarantee that some of these April Fools' Day headlines won't actually become reality.

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